A Broken Mom’s Journey to Whole Health
Is this Really my Life?
Some days I have to stop and remind myself that my life is really mine as I write this from my comfy chair with an awesome view in a room filled with my hubby and three gorgeous girls.
Pieces of my past feel like someone else’s life even though pain still lingers in a crevice of my heart.
My mind goes back to a time when I went from a college graduate one moment to a new mom in an unhealthy relationship the next.
From the outside looking in I had it together but I realize looking back I drifted far from my faith and left wounds from my dad’s death open. Not dealing with them affected all areas of my life.
Looking for love in all the wrong places
I lost my dad the first semester of my freshman year of college. He was the glue that held our family together. Without our fearless leader we were vulnerable and our family soon fell apart. Anger and confusion set in and instead of turning to God I turned to boyfriends in hopes of filling the void in my heart.
Several boyfriends later proved I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I’d come so far from the bright-eyed ambitious girl whose father believed in her and told her she could do anything and make a difference in this world.
Each new relationship allowed me to convince myself I could change this one for sure once I showed him what a great catch I was. I imagined him giving me the look my dad used to give me. One that radiated with love and acceptance.
The look never came.
Not realizing then what I know now as a holistic health coach, I thought the answer was working out more and looking better. I entered beauty pageants and won several titles all while lacking self-worth. I worked out a lot and ate little. I counted every calorie, avoided fats at all costs or beat myself up when I didn’t. So began my love hate relationship with food. I saw food as a necessary evil to stay alive that sabotaged my efforts to be desirable. My weight would fluctuate and at one point I gained 25 pounds and cried in my closet after shopping trips because the clothes just didn’t fit the way they used to. I gave so much power to my weight. When my body wasn’t perfect I felt horrible about myself.
When I graduated from college expecting the world to open its arms and my life to magically fall into place. Wrong. Landing a decent job for a single young gal I could afford to support myself but still didn’t have that feeling of fulfillment I expected after graduation and finding a job.
Love at first sight
Soon after I found myself in yet another relationship and this time I gave up my apartment and moved in with him. I became pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Our eyes met and I was completely and utterly in L-O-V-E, love.
The world seemed different from that moment on and my focus turned to her well being and giving her the best life possible.
My unhealthy relationship turned unbearable and I made the decision to leave. Unbeknownst to me at the time I was pregnant again and now homeless.
I was horrified and humiliated.
With no other alternative I called my mom and asked if we could live with her. She said yes. With only my baby, diaper bag, stroller, an overnight bag, and $50 cash I boarded a plane and never looked back.
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
How did I get here? In the fetal position I stared blankly at the walls of my childhood bedroom. The unnerving sound of my baby crying at the top of her lungs pushed down on me from all sides.
Is this real? I was a college graduate with my own apartment, car, and a good job. This isn’t suppose happen to people “like” me.
Facing the day and seeing myself in the mirror became two things I avoided. I HATED what I saw: single mom, broke, skinny, stressed, heartbroken, depressed, ashamed. My situation now defined me as a person.
My mom had to force me to eat dinner. I was breastfeeding on demand and running off little to no nourishment. Whatever I consumed my baby seemed to take. I was a shell of a person. I was alive but not living.
I began feeling really sick and my family thought I had postpartum depression or cancer. They urged me to see a doctor and that’s when I found out I was 4 months pregnant!
This can’t be happening!
Rock Bottom Moment
In destitution and desperation I contemplated abortion. I was pro-life in thought but now faced with it myself previous discussions were a fleeting memory. In my rock bottom moment I sobbed and shook uncontrollably and could only look up to God and pray. Even in the darkest corner of my life He was there. I asked Him to take control and give me the strength to make it through this. I decided to keep my precious baby.
It was NOT easy but things got better with each healthy step I took. I began showing gratitude for the things I HAD instead of focusing on what I lacked.
I became intentional on finding joy in motherhood even though I was single with two nursing babies in diapers and life was crazy at times! I went to church and found support with my family. I met with other moms and joined a moms group.
Healthy relationships are so important at any stage in life.
During my training at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition I learned that when in balance, people are able to meet their needs and attain their desires through wonderful synchronicities. Once my basic needs were met through gratitude, relationships, spirituality, fitness, and healthy eating, I was able to focus outward and reconnected with the man who is now my husband.
I finally appreciated this loving man (who adored me regardless of my faults) and felt worthy enough to accept his unconditional love. He has been a huge blessing to my life. We married, had a beautiful addition to my two girls and his two boys and blended our families as one.
More than a MOM
Fast forward several years into our marriage and once again I felt like something was missing. Seriously?! What could be missing?!! I have a supportive husband, nice house, healthy kids, ability to stay home with them and homeschool. What else could I want?
I felt like an ungrateful B@%$H for complaining about my comfy “stay @ home” gig. A bad mom for my kids not being “enough” for me. Feelings of guilt and shame enveloped me again.
Only this time was different. I had a support system and made healthy changes in my food and relationships. I turned to my husband and inner circle and they listened. I was missing the entrepreneurial part of my life.
Being a mom is a full-time job and then some! I wasn’t lacking in the “job” or busy department. I missed sharing my passion with other adults and being more than a mom.
Following my passion
So I began blogging which led me to discover how our food and affects everything. I developed a huge appetite for true whole health, natural solutions, and getting to the root of my symptoms.
I then discovered the Institute for Integrative Nutrition and holistic health coaching.
This was it! A way to help others transform their lives and live life not just survive.
My life today is far from perfect but it’s now whole. I’m healthy and want to give back and help other moms transform their lives in with food, relationships, spirituality, career, and physical fitness.
All areas are connected and so much more than the food on your plate affects your health.
This broken mom’s journey to whole health is still going and I’m excited to see where it takes me.
Do you have a transformation story you’d like to share with me? I’d love to hear it! You can email me: firstname.lastname@example.org.
- Overwhelmed and feel like you’re pulled in many directions and falling short in your family life or health?
- Feeling stuck, low on energy, bloated and irritable on top of being stressed to the max and like a bad mom?
I’ve been there and want to help!
Visit JessicaBrassington.com to see how I can help empower YOU and start you on the path to whole health, wellness, and freedom.
You deserve it!
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